On Cricket – IPL that is

Ok, here it is. I mean, people have all cajoled me into writing this one. They are like – Macchi, you played it all your life and broke 3 teeth, two thumbs and one knee (the knee in this context is mine). And when the single most important thing is happening to it, you put a shovel through your mouth-aaa ? emphasis theirs.

A part of the reason why I (figuratively) have put my mouth through a shovel (or vice-versa) is just because I personally think its not significant. I mean, give me a million bucks and I will play soccer with my torn-ligament-de-right-knee but … lemme list my quibbles about IPL T20:

1. Spinners have no role to play in this format. Yes once in a while a Warne or a Kumble will come and pick a couple of wickets. But seriously in the longer run, every spinner has been screwed. It takes away a beautiful art of the game.

2. Batsmen win/ lose the game. Cheerleaders have more responsibilities than bowlers. And yes, I say this the very day Sohail Tanveer blew off CSK with a 6er. It happens once in a while. And you know it. Yes iknow he did it twice dumass.

3. People are confused. (Ok. Digression alert: I like putting in “people”, when I want to convey something about me- and, when I am unsure of other peoples viewpoints). They may like certain players who are spread out in different teams and worse comes to worst, end up loggerheads. Imagine what Preity had to go through when Punjab Kings XI were engaged against Tendulkar and Mumbai in general! Loyalties are totally screwed up.

4. That un-foreseen rivalry drivel: I was told that IPL brings out great battles like Kumble bowling to Sachin etc.. Bullshit. In 4 overs, you see no crap. The batsmen swing because they have to. And bowlers get hit for a six or if they are lucky, the batsmen hole out.

5. Cheerleaders: Do they even know whats happening? I understand curious dehati people ogling at them. (dehati in this context implies to those urban geeks as well). But do these people understand this cheerleading thing? People, they are here to lure you to come spend Rs 600 or how much ever it costs you. Its like the carrot, dumass. And (Chandler Bing ishtyle) no, you dont get it. Could you be any more stupid? And of course Afridi has a reason to blame now.

6. Players from different countries: When your team has players from your region for show-purpose only and when the real work is done by Aussie cricketers, why the hell are you Chennai Super Kings? Even South African Royal challengers beat you. Shame on you. No Kaveri water for 3 more months for you.

7. This is probably the most important reason: Aamir Sohail. And his commentary skills in particular. The guy, understandably, lacks common sense. He also beats you down with surprisingly low aptitude on cricket, politics, fashion and etiquette. Wonder how Robin Jackman, Siva and Sunny put up with him. Ah, they’re all losing it too. Shastri seems to be avoiding this chap.

Having said all that, when you come back from office and are tired and want to commit suicide one more time, what better time pass than to watch some 45k people pay to watch 40 overs of utter madness? And of course one important thing IPL does, is highlight young talent. But wait we have a full-fledged domestic season that no one watches. Yeah, what the hell.

In conclusion, here are my ratings for the teams to keep you amused for that much more time

1. Rajasthan Royals: Launchpad for Warne to catapult back to the Aussie test team. Apparently Ricky called him, got down on one knee and proposed. Rumor has it that Warne will also be the coach, friend, philosopher and guide for each player in the team and umpires as well.

2. Kings XI Punjab: Agreed they are from Punjab, but does it mean they have to keep shouting all the time? And isnt pagadi part of the attire? And damn you, Ness.

3. Delhi Daredevils: An appropriate name for the group. And the punks will probably not go on to the next round. IIM grads do work.

4. Chennai Super Kings: Yeah, you guys suck. And Gony isnt from Madurai.

5. Bangalore Royal Challengers: Mallya probably realized that sports isnt his realm. Not if he thinks he can make money off this team. This model will be used to explain the terms “implosion”, “fall like 9 pins” and “Jesus @@@@@@@ Christ” in class IX Physics, English and Catechism classes respectively. Venkatesh Prasads only career highlight will be that Aamir Sohail incident. Lets see how much more he can chew it.

6. Mumbai Indians: Interestingly, the only other team without a Pakistani player. Jayasurya’s retirement plan. They are the moral police of the IPL. But with Bhajji cooling his heels off, it wont stay that way for long.

7. Deccan Chargers: For a state with severe electric shortage, the problems started with the name itself. Apparently when VVvvvvvvS Laxman said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”, Symonds threatened to sue him for being racist.

8. KKR: And finally, my favorite team. Man! have I got a life or what!!! It starts with (of course “one thing” as Linkin Park put it, and as they put it again, “In the end, it doesnt even matter”) SRK who brought new meaning to “dancing down the aisle”. Apparently someone thought it wasnt funny which left SRK fuming. He finally came up with a statement saying John, Dada and himself are at peace. And also said “This 150 run thing isnt working for us. Lets put up 200 from next match onwards.” Rumor has it that Ganguly has declared mutiny. The war cry is nahin cholbe re…. Also heard, to promote team spirit, the foreign players have declared they wont take bath until the tournament is over. Shoaib is planning to move over to Mumbai. (not the team, Bollywood re baba).

And, in one corner, Lalit Modi is rofl-ing away.

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4 Responses to “On Cricket – IPL that is”

  1. Anonymi Says:

    I thought Chennai Superkings are pretty okay-ish and I support them because it is pretty lame to support the strongest team (KKR supporters, bah!). And the bowlers might actually adapt (but then so will the batsmen). I don’t exactly know how, but something in me says they will. It would be interesting to plot a time series of the scores of these matches. Two weeks back (that’s when I stopped watching), I thought the bowlers were already giving out fewer runs.

    And about the cheer leading thing, I think it would have had a fair chance to work, if they did something during the innings break. Some music, some dance, something! Dude, and why no mention of Washington? That girl is by far causing the most pain!

  2. kowsik Says:

    The best is your review of Bangalore team! IPL did achieve one unbelievable thing: Ankit has stopped talking of cricket.

  3. onechance Says:

    Dude Sri, CSK are okayish?? WTF?? The difference you could see when the Aussies elft the team made me believe that they relied only on them. Though Badrinath looks a solid player. Man, why do I like those slow-scorers?

    Kowsik, that is a good outcome đŸ™‚ what abt u gunti? Which team are u supporting?

  4. kowsik Says:

    Guntur, K, how can you even doubt that [:o]

    I have stopped following cricket seriously since the 20-20 world-cup happened.

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